Single-o-phobia

My brother got married to a lovely woman this past December. I flew down to Bombay for their wedding, and amidst all the crazy family wedding drama, I had well-meaning aunts and older cousins pull me aside and ask--"Is everything okay?" I would look puzzled and nod, not quite sure what they were getting it. "No, no, I just thought that since you still haven't found someone...." and they would look at me pityingly. These whispered confidences would usually end with either reassurance that I would definitely find the "One" or with generous offers to assist me in the process ("I know this nice boy who is well-settled in the US..."). I would usually squirm uncomfortably through the whole exchange, wishing and praying that it would end soon, and then I'd find something that needed to be done urgently, that couldn't wait another second and flee as soon as I could.

When I returned to the US, I heaved a sigh of relief, only to be confronted by single-o-phobia, yet again. At a recent meeting designed to help new colleagues maintain a good work/life balance, the topics of discussion ranged from getting help with children to coping with a commuting spouse. All very helpful, I'm sure, but the single person in the room might as well have been invisible. I wanted to protest my invisibility, but the meeting ended, and I never had a chance to raise the issue.

 A faculty member asked me what I had wanted to say and when I raised this question he said, "Darling, I totally understand--the queers are all having babies and getting married. Single is the new queer". He couldn't be more right. Every time I mention that I am single, the person in question will have one of two reactions--oh you poor thing or I'm sure you will meet someone soon. Single-ism is a disease and I need to be cured. Soon.

I would like to propose a heresy--but what if I LIKE being single? What if I WANT to be single? I am sure, you reader, are reading this and thinking--oh, the poor thing has been hurt once too often. Once she recovers, I'm sure she will want to be with someone again. To you, my reader, I respond with an anecdote.

I used to watch and still do watch Romantic Comedies with relish. My younger self watched these movies for the romance, and now I watch them for the comedy. The idea that two people fall in love by the end of the film assumes that they live happily ever after. Anyone who has dated someone for even a brief period of time, will know that this is hardly true--dirty dishes, late night work meetings and an untidy kitchen are not cute after a point.

 My point in narrating this is only that I am not jaded about love, just realistic. My larger point of course is that  love has ceased to occupy centrality in my life and I am (ohmygod--can it be true?) NOT in the least unhappy about that.  Yes, I am on a dating website, and I do casually meet men (if and when my busy schedule allows), but I treat these dates as social experiments--fun, casual encounters with sometimes cool, sometimes pretty strange men.  I am not looking to find love on these dates--I'm looking for a fun diversion, maybe friendship, good intellectual conversation for sure. If I do fall in love with one of these men (a highly unlikely possibility), so be it, but if I don't, no big deal.

Reader, the heretical truth is: I LOVE my single life! I love waking up in the morning to a clean kitchen, I love eating the whole bag of popcorn  at the movie theater, I love waking up at 4am and reading Gordimer in bed because it fancies me. At the risk of sounding narcissistic and self-indulgent, I'll say it: the best dates I've had so far have been with myself. 

House Husband?

This semester I am realizing truly what it means to be a feminist. Not just because I have a job teaching Women's and Gender studies at a premiere liberal arts institution, but also because matrimony has loomed large on the horizon. The fact that I want to pursue my career is a given, and the men I encounter--my friends or acquaintances--have asked me if I would mind a "house husband" or a man who might be devoted to looking after the house, so that I can pursue my career. This question has given me much food for thought.

House husbands are not taken that seriously. The images of house husbands in the visual media are very telling: they are either portrayed as effeminate men performing "women's roles" or as hen-pecked husbands or as unfortunate men who are under some kind of hypnotic spell. The comic strip below is a case in point.

 

The idea of a house husband is still a matter of humour rather than a serious cause of debate within the mainstream. We've all heard of the "mommy track" but is there a "daddy track"?

X explained at dinner the other night that in the context of finding a wife, he had always thought that a career is a woman's choice: "I wouldn't mind if my wife worked a job or she chose to stay at home. As I see it, it's her choice and it's wrong of me to expect her to conform to one role or the other. But unfortunately, I don't think the same is true for men. Women always expect that their husband's will earn money. Would you want a house husband?" he asked. Both my friend and I nodded and said that as feminists we had no problem supporting a man financially. X's eyes gleamed and he mischievously asked: "Does that mean the husband can sit at home all day and play x-Box?" We burst into laughter and X grinned, a tad uncomfortably, not quite sure what the joke was.

My friend and I explained "We wouldn't want him to sit at home and play video games. I mean the reason we would support him financially is if he is a writer or an artist or in some creative field that doesn't enable him to earn a regular income and he needs support to pursue his passion." As soon as we said it I started thinking about the implications of this position. Reverse the gender and this could read like a '50s housekeeping manual: A woman at home should occupy her time "productively"--baking cakes and decorating the house. Imposing an "occupation" on anyone--a man, a woman, a transgendered person, adds up to the same thing ultimately--coercion. Or does it?

Later this week I pondered the question more deeply. X was right--if a house husband wanted to sit at home and play X-Box in his spare time I had no right to object or demand that he have an artistic career. The only glitch would be that I find it hard to imagine falling in love with an X-Box aficionado. Believing as I do in companionate union (whether marriage or not) I would want to be with someone who shares my passion for ideas, literature, art. In short, someone who is attracted to the intellectual or artistic life in some way, even if he chooses not to pursue these as a career after marriage, i.e. I would be happy to be with this person, no matter what his career choice/income. Now such a person may well decide that he wants to stay at home and care for our house--cook hot meals for us, scrub the bath tub, make our home a place of love and warmth. Would that bother me? I don't think so...I think it might be lovely to come home and be greeted by a pot of bubbling soup and lots of love. After all, men have been receiving the benefits of this arrangement for generations--wouldn't it be wonderful if women could also benefit from it?

If I could post an ad on a feminist dating website for heterosexual women, it might look
something like this:

Wanted: House Husband
I'm a career woman who loves her job teaching feminism to young men and women. I am passionate about ideas, art, literature, poetry, and I am looking for a partner who shares my passions. Since I earn a decent salary, enough to support the both of us, you can choose not to earn a wage and to dedicate yourself to our home. I would love to come home to a hot meal, kisses and intellectual conversation. Please contact me if interested.

What do you think? Are there men out there who might not be threatened by a career woman and might choose to explore the pleasures of domesticity?

Text From Paul

Regarding the all male discussion of sexual preferences in Charles Pratt's freshman Orgasm workshop:

Wednesday October 20th 2010

9:38 P.M.

This is so not wags..you would be pissed

Lol