This semester I am realizing truly what it means to be a feminist. Not just because I have a job teaching Women's and Gender studies at a premiere liberal arts institution, but also because matrimony has loomed large on the horizon. The fact that I want to pursue my career is a given, and the men I encounter--my friends or acquaintances--have asked me if I would mind a "house husband" or a man who might be devoted to looking after the house, so that I can pursue my career. This question has given me much food for thought.
House husbands are not taken that seriously. The images of house husbands in the visual media are very telling: they are either portrayed as effeminate men performing "women's roles" or as hen-pecked husbands or as unfortunate men who are under some kind of hypnotic spell. The comic strip below is a case in point.
House husbands are not taken that seriously. The images of house husbands in the visual media are very telling: they are either portrayed as effeminate men performing "women's roles" or as hen-pecked husbands or as unfortunate men who are under some kind of hypnotic spell. The comic strip below is a case in point.
The idea of a house husband is still a matter of humour rather than a serious cause of debate within the mainstream. We've all heard of the "mommy track" but is there a "daddy track"?
X explained at dinner the other night that in the context of finding a wife, he had always thought that a career is a woman's choice: "I wouldn't mind if my wife worked a job or she chose to stay at home. As I see it, it's her choice and it's wrong of me to expect her to conform to one role or the other. But unfortunately, I don't think the same is true for men. Women always expect that their husband's will earn money. Would you want a house husband?" he asked. Both my friend and I nodded and said that as feminists we had no problem supporting a man financially. X's eyes gleamed and he mischievously asked: "Does that mean the husband can sit at home all day and play x-Box?" We burst into laughter and X grinned, a tad uncomfortably, not quite sure what the joke was.
My friend and I explained "We wouldn't want him to sit at home and play video games. I mean the reason we would support him financially is if he is a writer or an artist or in some creative field that doesn't enable him to earn a regular income and he needs support to pursue his passion." As soon as we said it I started thinking about the implications of this position. Reverse the gender and this could read like a '50s housekeeping manual: A woman at home should occupy her time "productively"--baking cakes and decorating the house. Imposing an "occupation" on anyone--a man, a woman, a transgendered person, adds up to the same thing ultimately--coercion. Or does it?
Later this week I pondered the question more deeply. X was right--if a house husband wanted to sit at home and play X-Box in his spare time I had no right to object or demand that he have an artistic career. The only glitch would be that I find it hard to imagine falling in love with an X-Box aficionado. Believing as I do in companionate union (whether marriage or not) I would want to be with someone who shares my passion for ideas, literature, art. In short, someone who is attracted to the intellectual or artistic life in some way, even if he chooses not to pursue these as a career after marriage, i.e. I would be happy to be with this person, no matter what his career choice/income. Now such a person may well decide that he wants to stay at home and care for our house--cook hot meals for us, scrub the bath tub, make our home a place of love and warmth. Would that bother me? I don't think so...I think it might be lovely to come home and be greeted by a pot of bubbling soup and lots of love. After all, men have been receiving the benefits of this arrangement for generations--wouldn't it be wonderful if women could also benefit from it?
If I could post an ad on a feminist dating website for heterosexual women, it might look
something like this:
Wanted: House Husband
I'm a career woman who loves her job teaching feminism to young men and women. I am passionate about ideas, art, literature, poetry, and I am looking for a partner who shares my passions. Since I earn a decent salary, enough to support the both of us, you can choose not to earn a wage and to dedicate yourself to our home. I would love to come home to a hot meal, kisses and intellectual conversation. Please contact me if interested.
What do you think? Are there men out there who might not be threatened by a career woman and might choose to explore the pleasures of domesticity?
X explained at dinner the other night that in the context of finding a wife, he had always thought that a career is a woman's choice: "I wouldn't mind if my wife worked a job or she chose to stay at home. As I see it, it's her choice and it's wrong of me to expect her to conform to one role or the other. But unfortunately, I don't think the same is true for men. Women always expect that their husband's will earn money. Would you want a house husband?" he asked. Both my friend and I nodded and said that as feminists we had no problem supporting a man financially. X's eyes gleamed and he mischievously asked: "Does that mean the husband can sit at home all day and play x-Box?" We burst into laughter and X grinned, a tad uncomfortably, not quite sure what the joke was.
My friend and I explained "We wouldn't want him to sit at home and play video games. I mean the reason we would support him financially is if he is a writer or an artist or in some creative field that doesn't enable him to earn a regular income and he needs support to pursue his passion." As soon as we said it I started thinking about the implications of this position. Reverse the gender and this could read like a '50s housekeeping manual: A woman at home should occupy her time "productively"--baking cakes and decorating the house. Imposing an "occupation" on anyone--a man, a woman, a transgendered person, adds up to the same thing ultimately--coercion. Or does it?
Later this week I pondered the question more deeply. X was right--if a house husband wanted to sit at home and play X-Box in his spare time I had no right to object or demand that he have an artistic career. The only glitch would be that I find it hard to imagine falling in love with an X-Box aficionado. Believing as I do in companionate union (whether marriage or not) I would want to be with someone who shares my passion for ideas, literature, art. In short, someone who is attracted to the intellectual or artistic life in some way, even if he chooses not to pursue these as a career after marriage, i.e. I would be happy to be with this person, no matter what his career choice/income. Now such a person may well decide that he wants to stay at home and care for our house--cook hot meals for us, scrub the bath tub, make our home a place of love and warmth. Would that bother me? I don't think so...I think it might be lovely to come home and be greeted by a pot of bubbling soup and lots of love. After all, men have been receiving the benefits of this arrangement for generations--wouldn't it be wonderful if women could also benefit from it?
If I could post an ad on a feminist dating website for heterosexual women, it might look
something like this:
Wanted: House Husband
I'm a career woman who loves her job teaching feminism to young men and women. I am passionate about ideas, art, literature, poetry, and I am looking for a partner who shares my passions. Since I earn a decent salary, enough to support the both of us, you can choose not to earn a wage and to dedicate yourself to our home. I would love to come home to a hot meal, kisses and intellectual conversation. Please contact me if interested.
What do you think? Are there men out there who might not be threatened by a career woman and might choose to explore the pleasures of domesticity?
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